What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.