What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Good boy 😂😂
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Leftovers are for quitters!
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.