Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.