What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
