What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
found my next D&D character name
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Bless you
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.