Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?