Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

*3.5 thank you very much.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.