what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating