what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.