what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Its a hippotatomus
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries