what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?