Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning