what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.