Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor