what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling