what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I will never stop laughing at this
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
My background check bounced.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?