what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’m an American/Canadian dual-citizen so I’m charging myself 25% more now, but also 25% again in retaliation against myself. Your move, Jesse.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Help Wanted
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
no
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.