what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.