What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Pro tip for my good boys out there
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
She knows her part so well!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article