Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.