Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

They’re really bad with fonts.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.