What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.