Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?