What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Honey I made you some hotdog water
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.