What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
definitely did not do anything wrong
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.