What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
and now we wait
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol