What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Not recommended for beginners.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
it was love at first sight
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.