What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.