Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Penguins walking in 5x speed

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

hackers play passwordle

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

I identify as an antique shop.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!