Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

To: ALL STAFF
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You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage