What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
it takes so much energy
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify