Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

That’s incredible! 👌

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings