Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”