What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions