Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

plums roundup

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism