Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Nothing to do, you say?

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.