What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
You Might Also Like
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Canada has crack?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car