Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Effort made

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.