Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

🍞🦆

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth