Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians