What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
they split up moments later
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
<- sleeps well with others
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?