What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
We found love in a hopeless place.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”