Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

we’re gonna need another temp

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

real

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.