BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.