Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am