What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no