What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.