What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Catering service
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨