What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days