What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
