What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
