What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10