What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You Might Also Like
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Inside you there are two wolves
the short answer to this question
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’