Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.