Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

This bar smells like my childhood.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.