WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
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Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.