What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT