Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.