Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Follow me for more recipes

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?