Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

He just like my cat fr

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.