What I said:

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.


How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.


There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”


If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.