What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
This is a whole mood;
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know