Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

🍂🕷️🍂

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.