What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The cashier just checked me out.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast