What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.