What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I was bored.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog