Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

What if all the cashiers are married?

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!