Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I think we should hear other voices.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order