what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
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Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.