Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Anime is real

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.