“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
just witnessed a drug deal
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.