Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*