Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

IT’S-A ME,

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no