Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

aesthetic

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

making sure he doesnt get away

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”