What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
You Might Also Like
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?