What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience