Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.