what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*