what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
oh u like geography? name every lake
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.