What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Pikachu found the lost joint
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Europe. Made in Germany.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.