What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.