What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.