What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*